6 Months

Today marks the six months anniversary since my Grandma passed away. If you read my This Isn’t Goodbye post, you will know that my Grandma loved to read my blog and suggest posts for me to write. I feel that writing a piece for her is kind of like my tribute for her.

The past six months has been incredibly tough, not going to sugar coat it, it sucks. I still look through her living room window and expect to see her sitting in her chair doing a crossword puzzle, or to walk into the living room and see her sitting next to her ironing pile fast asleep.

I have mentioned in the past about my brother and cousin’s project, “Lift” a short film that my brother wrote, starred in and directed and my cousin was cameraman and composed the music. Anyway, the music was played at my Grandmas’s funeral and I listen/watch the film all the time as it reminds me of her. It was filmed in her house and the story just fits now. I still can’t get through the whole piece without crying, even as I write this, I am listening to it and crying. It’s such a beautiful piece and she loved it.

I look around my work and see Christmas or birthday cards with “Grandma” on that I know she would have loved. Last week Classic FM was playing and all I could think of was her humming along in the kitchen as she made dinner or washed up.

I try and visit her every weekend if I can, lay down some new flowers. Christmas is fast approaching us and I dread the day we sit down at the table for Christmas dinner and her seat is empty. They say as time goes by, it gets easier. It doesn’t get easier, you just learn to except that the person you love isn’t here any longer. There isn’t anything you can do about it, you can’t change it, you just have to keep moving on. The tears will become less and less but the heart ache stays the same. It’s not as raw as it was at the beginning but it’s still there. She wouldn’t want me crying all the time, she would want me to be happy, but sometimes you just need to let it out.

I said to Brent, “Do you think she’s made friends with Richard Attenborough and Robin Williams?” and he just laughed and replied, “Probably”. Knowing her friendly and chatty ways, she would be friends with everyone up there. If there is such a place, I don’t really know, I like to believe she’s watching over us all, it’s reassuring.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her,  I miss her more and more every single day. Loosing someone is just exhausting for the mind and soul, but I will try my best to make her proud.

I miss you, and your amazing tea.
Love you Nanma,